Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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