I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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