I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
