Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
