respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
