I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
