420 ftw
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
