Apparently you make a good broom.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
