Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize