When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
