He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
