I love black thongs
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
