Ketchup is God's man juice
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
