every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
