Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize