First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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