I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
