Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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