Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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