yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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