genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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