he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
