I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I did not marry a roomba.
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