Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
