I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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