im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
