My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
