My cat gives me a boner
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
