tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
