I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
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