Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
