textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
