apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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