You don't have asthma, your pregnant
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
