hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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