Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
