you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
