I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Randomize
