I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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