Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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