Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
