I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
