Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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