just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
we're so committed to being not committed
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
