I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
