If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
