Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
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