I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Holy sore nipples Batman
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
