I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
