theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
