I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
