My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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