Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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