I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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