I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
