I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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