Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
