I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
