3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
