I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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